Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

You had me at “define legal”.

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*