Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

😂😭

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.