*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.