Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

She might be a genius

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.