(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
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Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I’m crying im so happy for them
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade