(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
You Might Also Like
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
cyclists
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I’ve disappointed better people.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”