[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
How about daylight saves us for once
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I love art.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.