Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hank is one in a melon.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.