At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
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Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
How does someone manage that 🤨
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally