At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
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Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo