Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

the saddest jazz hands ever

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*