At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
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*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
the saddest jazz hands ever
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*