At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
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My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.