At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
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*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week