At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
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Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
This fish is cracking me up
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.