At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
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I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
yeah no that’s fair
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”