Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

beware of dog
(jukin media)

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

all that yoga finally paid off

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

Oops 🤭

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.