[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
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I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
happy valentine’s day to me
“TGIM!” – My liver
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
When he asks for feet pics
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*