Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does