[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
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Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
wow
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…