Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

That’s commitment

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019