Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

This will teach them to underestimate me

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*