[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
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Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions