[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
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*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”