[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
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Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
“You’d better run, egg!”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.