At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED