At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.