‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.
I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Practiced my breakup on my cats last night and today they are gone.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema