At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.


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One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.


They say love is worth more than money. But I’m pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.


[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart


GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.


ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute


[god creating snakes]

how about a sock that’s angry all the time


This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”


“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.


Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles