@darkmatter_wimp

At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.

Win-win.

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@smeagolsfree

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

@KidDynamite496

Renaissance Festivals are back and improved with an actual plague for more authenticity.

Huzzah!

@Havish_AF

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

@NomDeBenoit

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

@Chris__oj

Wasted another year of my life but this time it wasn’t my fault.

@farouq_yahaya

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

@mommajessiec

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

@mommajessiec

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.