At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.


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I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”


Renaissance Festivals are back and improved with an actual plague for more authenticity.



Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.


Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.


Wasted another year of my life but this time it wasn’t my fault.


Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??


Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”


My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.