The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
and now we wait
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.