@darkmatter_wimp

At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.

Win-win.

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@jakob_huber

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

@LeonEarlgrey

They say love is worth more than money. But I’m pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.

@lunchmane

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

@intellegint

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

@themiltron

[god creating snakes]

how about a sock that’s angry all the time

@NurseMurderer

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

@Probgoblin

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles