Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*