[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
You Might Also Like
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
not seeing the problem
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini