Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”