[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
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Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)