[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
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Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie