Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
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*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.