[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
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Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
this is what they would have looked like, though
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!