@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

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@GrantTanaka

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

@juliussharpe

I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.

@Parkerlawyer

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

@Douchekevin

If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.

@JBWogan

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

@ClichedOut

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

@_cingraham

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.