[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
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Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
first you must answer his riddles
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
By Kate Hatos
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Very problematic
@funTweeters
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again