[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
phew
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden