Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

Running from your problems is cardio .

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.