*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
You Might Also Like
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Danger is very dangerous
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
