[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Has there ever been a more American story?
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
