[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I can fix him.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA