[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.