Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

Chicken bread

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

Bringing home a sharpie

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.