[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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He-man has a Masters degree
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
