Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Van Gone

nothing saves money like being antisocial

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Ok, but like, how married are you?

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.