Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.