{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
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gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Every time.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A