{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
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This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
notice
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.