(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
His flabber was gasted 😂
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.