(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.