Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

This will teach them to underestimate me

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.