Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Wait a minute

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking