Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Just got to our Airbnb!

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.