At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
my nickname in college
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.