At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
You Might Also Like
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic