Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

man: wait

time: no

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

the answer was staring at me all along

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

hardest line in real life

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.