Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

That’s classic.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.