(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
B
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything