(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”