(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
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If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
And bowling should be called pinball
Animal poetry
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks