[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
You Might Also Like
Super Hand Dog Face
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…