[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
happy valentine’s day to me
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
this could fix me
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.