Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

dril cadence

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.