Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?