At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
#SuperBowl
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.