At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
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It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.