Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.