[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
*Inspirational Tweets*
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Seek kebab; not attention
sigh
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol